But I....

I'm afraid of making mistakes. Deadly afraid of making mistakes. Deadly meaning my fear is killing me.

I can't even call the credit card company to ask them what's wrong with my card. I hate dealing with people constantly like this, like all of a sudden I've had to grow up and deal with the work sphere and I'm not even a real worker yet! What on earth does that mean? I don't know but all these things I've strove to do on my own, I can't take them anymore. I've gotta get out to New Hampshire and find a mountain somewhere, relax myself in just a t-shirt and jeans laying myself out a rock, looking up at the clouds, breathing and shifting my gaze to the mountains out in front of me, then rolling my eyes to the sky and closing them as I fall asleep, knowing the mountains are there to protect me. If nothing else is there the mountains are there to protect me.

The mountains.

What the fuck? I don't have the goal to hit number one. I just want a spot on the chart, the chart of people who get to love and have an emotional relationship. Fuck not being able to do that. Fuck it. It sucks so hard. It really fucking sucks.

Why are all the songs I'm applying to in places that have no mountains? Damn cities...

The coats in my closet are 多い (many). They number at least 10 that I enjoy wearing regularly. It's like I wear the closet outside. The gay closet... what am I hiding each time I'm putting something on?

Myself. Just gotta take it all off. And expose it for the world to see, or reduce the world so that it's only myself that's my world. And then I'll be satisfied that the world can really see me.

I guess I gotta get back to that world...