I'm afraid of making mistakes. Deadly afraid of making mistakes. Deadly meaning my fear is killing me.
I can't even call the credit card company to ask them what's wrong with my card. I hate dealing with people constantly like this, like all of a sudden I've had to grow up and deal with the work sphere and I'm not even a real worker yet! What on earth does that mean? I don't know but all these things I've strove to do on my own, I can't take them anymore. I've gotta get out to New Hampshire and find a mountain somewhere, relax myself in just a t-shirt and jeans laying myself out a rock, looking up at the clouds, breathing and shifting my gaze to the mountains out in front of me, then rolling my eyes to the sky and closing them as I fall asleep, knowing the mountains are there to protect me. If nothing else is there the mountains are there to protect me.
The mountains.
What the fuck? I don't have the goal to hit number one. I just want a spot on the chart, the chart of people who get to love and have an emotional relationship. Fuck not being able to do that. Fuck it. It sucks so hard. It really fucking sucks.
Why are all the songs I'm applying to in places that have no mountains? Damn cities...
The coats in my closet are 多い (many). They number at least 10 that I enjoy wearing regularly. It's like I wear the closet outside. The gay closet... what am I hiding each time I'm putting something on?
Myself. Just gotta take it all off. And expose it for the world to see, or reduce the world so that it's only myself that's my world. And then I'll be satisfied that the world can really see me.
I guess I gotta get back to that world...
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Love
I've just got to feel it, I believe in... love! It's what we've got...
I may have just misquoted DDR. I guess this freewrite isn't necessarily going to be about love either. I'm tired and I feel like freewriting even though I could easily fall asleep now. "Easily fall asleep now." I could NEVER write those four words a semester ago. Or two semesters ago. Only three semesters ago would that have been true, in Japan. Damn, I miss Japan. But now I think that life spirit is coming back.
And I think I'm going to be shit-tired tomorrow. Happily, I have only 0 classes on Wednesday. Isn't that swell? Gives me a day to recover. That being tomorrow, when I also have to do a shitload of stuff. Um. Maybe I should skip my first math class. No. No mercy will be given from the teacher on grading if I do that. Well, it's math so it's different but you know what I mean.
My brain is starting to zone out and lose its awareness of physical space slightly. It's kind of freaky. I don't know if I haven't ever been in this state or if back when this would happen, it would be more of a constant lack of awareness. That is, back during times when I would be really, really sleep-deprived and only live on whatever nervous energy I had. I didn't even eat that much. How did I survive? It's amazing, the power of neurons. And of determination.
When you have something to live for. And boy, did I have something to live for my eighth semester of high school. I could feel the spring in February, groundhog out or not, I knew an end was coming to the madness, and I could feel the grass growing inside of me thanks to the light of the sun that it finally started to absorb! ...even though it was still snowy outside, and I had stuff to do, but that was it! I had stuff to do! And even if I didn't really participate in Ultimate Frisbee past a few pick-up games, I still lived! I lived life fully! And I was realizing it as it was happening and it was jubilant! And so nice.
That was awhile ago. But I'm feeling it again. I'm feelin' it again and it's wonderful!!!!
Let's make the world a better place.
Alex
I may have just misquoted DDR. I guess this freewrite isn't necessarily going to be about love either. I'm tired and I feel like freewriting even though I could easily fall asleep now. "Easily fall asleep now." I could NEVER write those four words a semester ago. Or two semesters ago. Only three semesters ago would that have been true, in Japan. Damn, I miss Japan. But now I think that life spirit is coming back.
And I think I'm going to be shit-tired tomorrow. Happily, I have only 0 classes on Wednesday. Isn't that swell? Gives me a day to recover. That being tomorrow, when I also have to do a shitload of stuff. Um. Maybe I should skip my first math class. No. No mercy will be given from the teacher on grading if I do that. Well, it's math so it's different but you know what I mean.
My brain is starting to zone out and lose its awareness of physical space slightly. It's kind of freaky. I don't know if I haven't ever been in this state or if back when this would happen, it would be more of a constant lack of awareness. That is, back during times when I would be really, really sleep-deprived and only live on whatever nervous energy I had. I didn't even eat that much. How did I survive? It's amazing, the power of neurons. And of determination.
When you have something to live for. And boy, did I have something to live for my eighth semester of high school. I could feel the spring in February, groundhog out or not, I knew an end was coming to the madness, and I could feel the grass growing inside of me thanks to the light of the sun that it finally started to absorb! ...even though it was still snowy outside, and I had stuff to do, but that was it! I had stuff to do! And even if I didn't really participate in Ultimate Frisbee past a few pick-up games, I still lived! I lived life fully! And I was realizing it as it was happening and it was jubilant! And so nice.
That was awhile ago. But I'm feeling it again. I'm feelin' it again and it's wonderful!!!!
Let's make the world a better place.
Alex
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